Choosing the Right Therapist: What to Look for in a Counsellor or Psychotherapist

Finding a therapist can feel strangely difficult.

You may have already spent some time wondering whether therapy is something you need. Then, when you finally decide to look for someone, you are confronted with profiles, qualifications, therapeutic approaches and acronyms. 

How do you know whom to choose?

Qualifications and experience matter. So does the therapeutic approach a practitioner uses. But there is something else that is just as important, and perhaps harder to assess from a website.

What is it like to be in the room with this person?

Therapy is, fundamentally, relational work. You are bringing parts of your life into a conversation with another human being – sometimes parts that are painful, confusing, contradictory or that you have never spoken about before.

The right therapist is therefore not necessarily the person with the longest list of qualifications or the most impressive biography. They are someone with whom you can gradually develop enough trust and safety to explore what is happening in your life.

Here are seven qualities I would encourage you to consider when choosing a psychotherapist or counsellor.

1. They listen, really listen

There is listening, and then there is listening with the intention of understanding.

A good therapist is interested not only in what happened, but in what the experience means to you.

They are not simply waiting for an opportunity to give you advice, identify a diagnosis or tell you what you should do. They listen for the stories you tell about yourself, the words you use, the things you return to and, sometimes, the things that are difficult to say.

You may notice this in quite ordinary ways.

Do you feel rushed when you speak? Does the therapist make assumptions about what you mean, or do they check their understanding? Do they seem genuinely curious about your experience?

You do not need a therapist who has all the answers. You need someone willing to listen carefully enough to help you discover some of your own.

2. You feel emotionally safe with them

Feeling safe in therapy does not mean that therapy will always feel comfortable.

There may be conversations that challenge you. You may encounter grief, anger, uncertainty, fear or parts of yourself you would rather avoid. Sometimes meaningful therapeutic work is uncomfortable.

But discomfort is different from feeling unsafe.

A therapist does not shame, ridicule or diminish you. You should be able to disagree with them. You should be able to say, “That doesn’t feel right to me,” or “I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say.”

And when that happens, there should be room for the conversation.

Trust may not appear in the first session. It develops slowly and that is okay.

The question is whether there is enough safety for trust to begin.

3. They bring curiosity rather than judgment

Most of us arrive in therapy carrying stories about what we should be doing.

I should be coping better. I shouldn’t still feel this way. I should have moved on by now. I should know what I want.

A helpful therapist bringd curiosity.

What has happened in your life that makes this response understandable? What have you been carrying? What values, expectations or relationships are shaping the way you see yourself? What might this feeling be trying to tell you?

Curiosity creates possibilities.

Rather than asking, “What is wrong with me?”, therapy can begin to explore a different question:

“What is happening here?”

That is a helpful place from which to begin.

4. They respect your agency

A therapist is not there to run your life.

They may notice patterns, ask difficult questions, offer another perspective or invite you to experiment with something different. They may teach you strategies or help you develop ways of responding when life feels overwhelming.

But ultimately, your life remains yours.

Good therapy strengthens your capacity to make choices rather than making those choices for you.

This matters because therapy is not about becoming dependent upon someone else’s answers. It is about developing greater awareness of yourself – your needs, values, boundaries, relationships and possibilities – so that you can respond to your life with greater choice.

You remain an active participant in the process.

5. They can work respectfully with difference

None of us enters the therapy room without a history.

Culture, family, gender, age, migration, language, sexuality, religion, disability, socioeconomic circumstances and the communities we belong to can all shape how we understand ourselves and the world around us.

Sometimes we are also living between different worlds.

The expectations of family may sit uneasily alongside the life we want for ourselves. Cultural values may intersect with generational change. The person we are at home may feel quite different from the person we are at work, university or among friends.

A therapist does not need to have lived exactly the same life as you to work well with you.

But they do need humility.

They should be willing to ask rather than assume, to recognise that their worldview is not universal, and to remain curious about the social, cultural and relational contexts in which your life has unfolded.

You should not have to leave important parts of yourself at the therapy-room door.

6. They are appropriately trained and practise with professional boundaries

Warmth and connection matter, but therapy is also a professional relationship.

It is reasonable to ask about a therapist’s qualifications, professional registration or membership, experience and areas of practice. You can also ask what therapeutic approaches they use and why.

In Australia, counsellors and psychotherapists may belong to professional bodies such as PACFA or CAPA and are expected to practise according to professional and ethical standards.

Clear boundaries are part of that practice.

Your therapist should explain matters such as confidentiality, fees, cancellations and what happens if there are concerns about your safety. You should understand the nature of the relationship and what you can expect from them.

Good boundaries do not make therapy cold or clinical. Quite the opposite. When the boundaries are clear, they help create a reliable space in which the relationship can develop.

7. There is a sense of fit

Perhaps the most important question is also the simplest:

How do you feel when you are with this therapist?

The questions are not

• “Do I like everything they say?”
• “Did I feel better after one session?”
• “Are they the nicest person I spoke to?”

Rather, the questions are more like

• Can I imagine talking honestly with this person?
• Do I feel heard?
• Can I be uncertain here?
• Can I disagree?
• Do I feel that they are interested in me, rather than trying to fit me into a theory or category?
• Can I imagine trusting this person with the more vulnerable parts of my story?

Therapeutic fit can take a little time to assess. The first session is often unfamiliar, and you may feel nervous or unsure simply because you are meeting someone new.

Give the therapeutic relationship some time.

And you are allowed to decide later that a therapist is not right for you. That does not necessarily mean that the therapist is a poor therapist, or that you are somehow “difficult”. Sometimes two people are simply not the right therapeutic fit.

So, how do you choose the right therapist?

Perhaps there isn’t a single “right” therapist waiting to be found.

There is instead a person with whom you may be able to build a particular kind of relationship — one that allows you to speak, reflect, question, feel, experiment and perhaps understand yourself differently.

When I first meet someone, I am not expecting them to arrive ready to tell me everything.

The first few sessions are as much about establishing the relationship as they are about exploring whatever has brought the person to therapy. We are getting to know one another. You are discovering how I work, and I am beginning to understand you and the world you inhabit.

Trust develops through the experience of being met again and again with attention, respect and curiosity.

There is a well-known saying in psychotherapy: “It is the relationship that heals.”

Therapeutic approaches, strategies and tools have their place. Sometimes a practical strategy is exactly what you need. But therapy is more than the application of techniques.

It is a conversation between two people in which there is space to notice what has perhaps gone unnoticed, question stories that have become taken for granted, make meaning of what has happened, and consider what else might be possible.

So when you are looking for a psychotherapist or counsellor, certainly look at their qualifications, experience and approach. But also pay attention to how it feels to be in conversation with them.

Ask yourself: Do I feel safe enough here to begin?

I prefer to think of my patients and myself as fellow travelers, a term that abolishes distinctions between ‘them’ (the afflicted) and ‘us’ (the healers). ~ Irvin Yalom

Are you ready to attend to the vital things in your life?

If you’re looking for a therapist in the Blue Mountains, NSW, or working online from elsewhere in Australia, you’re welcome to get in touch and see whether we might be a fit. Here’s a link to book in.